Toilet Trauma.

Disclaimer: This blog post is not for the faint hearted. It contain gore and gruesome details that might not be suitable for minors, pregnant ladies or anyone suffering from any physical sickness. I shall not be held responsible for any lifetime trauma or permanent loss of appetite. If you, the reader, agrees to the above, feel free to share the traumatizing experience that I had.






And so I woke up this morning, doing nothing but the usual. Turning on the computer, signing on to MSN, and then taking a bathe or maybe a dump. And I decided to do both today. So after going about my business, I did a clean wipe and made sure my ass was spanking clean. Then I laid down the lid of Sir flush-a-lot and flushed. Then I turned on the shower tap and started bathing. Then I noticed something strange. Something that had happened before. Horror struck me as I slowly pryed open the lid of Sir flush-a-lot to find it filled to rim's edge of dark-brown murky sewage, garnished with bits and pieces of toilet paper. Just like parsley bits in ramen soup. Only this ISN'T ramen soup. This reminded me of the scene in Dogma, where a demon forms from excrement spilling from a never-ending overflowing toilet bowl.

Desperate, I waited for the tide to subside in it before flushing again. Yet again the satisfactory burp of Sir flush-a-lot after consuming its contents was not heard. I immediately went to Google for help. Looking those the "Art of Manliness", I saw the first solution was to use a plunger. Sounds fair enough. Braving harmful microbes and the foul stench, I took up my weapon of choice and headed to the battlefield.

With my fingers grasp tightly around the pole of my weapon, I began pumping and plunging with motion that I'm all so familiar with. WRONG MOVE. Apparently the harder I plunged, the higher the "water" level rose. Well, you can't really call it "water" now... it was more of "Toxic concoction". A sound emanated from the Sir flush-a-lot that could strike fear, deep into the hearts of mortal men.

BLORP SQUAHS BLUURRPPs

GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!

So it was back to the drawing board. Second step in the "Art of Manliness" was to use a wired coat hanger. "Damn", I thought to myself. "If this doesn't do the trick, I don't know what does." So I went to my clothes closet and took out a wired coat hanger. "Sorry." I muttered, for I knew what horrible future awaits this poor coat hanger. I proceeded to unwind the coat hanger and straightened it out with a little curve at the end. I took a second to have a good look at the weapon in my hand and said a silent prayer. Brandishing a new weapon, I stormed into the battlefield once more. I took a deep breath (Of harmful microbes and stinky air) and plunged my weapon deep within the belly of the beast. I swirled my weapon around and made a few powerful jabs and thrusts, but that did nothing much other than stir up a cloud of "ramen ingredients".

Utterly discouraged, I discarded the weapon in my hand and referred back to the "Art of Manliness". Apparently there were 2 other methods. The chemical route, which involved acid and plumber.

Well, as I'm deciding on how to go about slaying the beast that lay dormant deep within the abyss, I've officially quarantined the toilet indefinitely. Tired, weary and hungry as I was, I just couldn't find my appetite. I wonder why. I would have attached a few pictures into the blog post too, but I've decided that it would be far too graphic for this family-oriented blog. Stay tuned for more updates!